Current Situation...

Current situation. Here I am. I am writing to you. Yes, you. Whoever decided it was a good idea to read these words. They are my words from my experiences that I just want to share with the world. It’s good to talk about things, but it is also good to write about them. So, this is that. This is me writing about the anxiety attack/breakdown/episode/ whatever you want to call “it”. That just happened about four hours ago.

Current situation? You will have to wait and read a little longer if you want to find out what triggered “it”. For now, I want to talk about human evolution. I don’t know what you believe as far as creation, and I won’t back up that far. Instead, I want to talk about however we got here, how we have changed. How we have evolved. As a species, we are incredibly lucky to have intelligence. Not everything got that. We, as a species, also have a consciousness that when coupled with intelligence allows us to reflect on things. We think about how the warm summer sun on our face feels good when we take the time to enjoy it. We know that we will get sick or die if we do not eat, or if we eat the wrong thing. This consciousness and intelligence we have helped us grow, learn, live like no other species. I feel very lucky to be here on this earth yesterday, and hopefully today and tomorrow. We are so lucky to have become so advanced as a species let alone as a civilization. My current situation, incredibly lucky to be on this earth at this point in time.

Current situation? I have an incredible job. I spend all day making healthcare better and safer than it was yesterday. The number of people my actions affect in some way or another is astounding, and I am just a nobody working in a cubicle. I implement changes that someone else decided on, but it is my duty to execute them perfectly because one slip of a typo or a click of a mouse at the wrong time could be disastrous. Please don’t think I am someone far up a corporate ladder. Quite the opposite really. I’m just the guy that implements the changes. My current situation is that I work in a beautiful office with everything I could ever want, with a great team of people, doing meaningful work that affects others.

Current situation? Happiness can’t be purchased with money. After hearing that and telling it to myself so many times I have another thought that is evolving. If it took our species millions of years to evolve into what we are now, then anything that changed in the past few hundred thousand years has not yet had time to let evolution catch-up. I think you can make this comparison to just about anything, so please just indulge me. How long has the corporate grind been going on? How long has a cube-farm been a thing? How long have we been more concerned with tangible and intangible things like money than with our community? It wasn’t always like this. We had a balance. We worked, we went to church to be with community, we spent time with our families. Current situation, in a normal weekday I work eight hours a day to provide money and things for myself and my family. I constantly worry if I will ever have enough things and money to enjoy them. When will I get to go see the world, or just take a vacation, or retire? Then I am exhausted from all of that, so I come home mentally drained, I often must decide to use the remaining energy to spend time with family or myself. Then, completely exhausted I lie my head down only to raise it back up tomorrow to do that whole dance again. I didn’t accomplish anything meaningful other than what I gave to my employer. What about my family? What about my community? Perhaps more important, what about my own self?

If I had to put a label on myself to explain what kind of person I am I would say that I am; A positive person with a negative outlook on himself. I am positive about every person and every situation unless I am reflecting on myself. Then I am much more critical and self-deprecating. If I said, the words I say to myself, out loud, one might say I was cruel to myself. Look I have been trying to fix this since I was old enough to realize I was doing it. It isn’t something that gets fixed easily and certainly, I am spending all my time trying to make money so that I have time to work on myself, so there is no more time in the day for me. Current situation, I didn’t always think like this. I mean I always worried about money, but never have I realized how much more precious time is than money.

I feel like I am rambling so I will tell you about what happened this morning and what kinds of thoughts I was having. But first, let me say that if you or anyone you know is struggling with depression/anxiety/or any other mental illness, I want you to seek needed help. If you need help to help yourself, or you need help helping someone else. Go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or talk to someone on the hotline 1-800-273-8255. I am incredibly lucky to have someone so supportive, but if I didn’t have my wife to lean on I would certainly use these resources and others.

My story of what happened this morning is a long one and I’ll sum it up where I can, and if you have any questions I’ll try my best to answer those in the comments. So here it goes; When I was far too young an older boy molested and raped me. This went on for far too long and unfortunately, I trusted the wrong adult to tell so while it stopped I was still forced to see this monster of a person every day. Fast forward too many years than I am willing to admit I have finally come to terms with it enough to at least talk about it. That was roughly about thirty years, and it is still very rough and raw and emotional to deal with. As you might think this has profoundly affected my life and worldview. So much so that when my sons were little I would never kiss them on their lips when I tucked them into bed. I am not making this a sad story, I am just trying to paint the picture.

Fast-forward to last Saturday. I saw a meetup about meditation. Now, I must credit “Mindfulness” for helping me get to the level of acceptance I am at right now. If you are not familiar Mindfulness is the new name for meditation because for some reason the word meditation is not attached to the medical world. Mindfulness is. Now. I digress, but I just want to thank www.headspace.com and the app. Download it. I don’t get anything for it, but it explains in a perfect analogy of how our thoughts are like clouds. If you're curious, check it out. Everyone is on their own spiritual journey. You may be firmly grounded in your faith and that is fantastic, but none the less you are still learning and thus walking a spiritual path. If you view or articulate that point differently I completely understand. In my journey, I found meditation/mindfulness and it has helped immensely. Because of this, I am always looking for more ways to open my mind. Which is how I ended up at this meditation meetup group, in a public library, on a Saturday, in the middle of Kansas City. I was uncomfortable from the beginning, but I told myself to grin and bear it. It can’t be that bad. Pretty soon I found out that this was a participation type of “introduction to…” and instead of meditating in the way I was used to it e.g. individually with your own individual thoughts. This was different and required me to put my hands on the shoulders of the person in front of me. No biggy right? Except since I didn’t “feel” anything the instructor called me out for not holding my fingers correctly basically telling me I was doing it all wrong, or some nonsense. But then something unexpected happened. We changed positions and now someone had their hand on my shoulder. I knew who it was, and I was immediately uncomfortable. I didn’t know this person, but they were male, and I just can’t deal with a male stranger in this kind of intimate situation touching me. So, I freaked out. I freaked out so much that I kind of freaked myself out because it really felt like I was in a fight or flight situation and had that person been between me and the door I don’t want to think about how it would have gone down differently. Instead, I flung the person’s hands off my shoulders and I left without saying a word.

Current Situation. That experience was what triggered my anxiety attack/breakdown/episode/ whatever you want to call “it”. “It” was irking me Saturday night, but I didn’t really tell my wife the full story. So, since I didn’t talk about it I allowed the situation to fester. It ate at me from the inside. However, since I have been talking about my situation(s) more and more I was able to recognize that feeling in the pit of my stomach as depression. In fact, I told my wife on Sunday that I didn’t want to have another breakdown right now. I felt it coming. As you might guess, Sunday was filled with depression. Then on Monday, just a few hours ago, it all came to a head.

I am not going to talk about how “it” manifested in my situation. But please know that everyone deals with things differently. Needless to say, there was crying and a very outward emotional outpouring that allowed me to think through and deal with this situation. This was a silly situation in comparison to other heinous things that can happen to a person. But what came out of that particular breakdown is why do we, as humans, do so much out of the norm of evolution? We are in such a hurry to evolve ourselves, and I think that is causing some unhappiness. Suffering. If that is true, why do we keep doing it to ourselves?

 

Current situation. I work my tail off in hopes that I will have money to retire, and that I will be well enough to enjoy said retirement. Perhaps I need to downsize at a certain age so that I can live cheaper and use that savings to enjoy life today. Because not tomorrow, nor Sixty-Five and a Half is guaranteed, and humans did not evolve to retire.

-Ryan